38 more weeks...

So last week Josh got offered a photography job in Huntsville. Couldn't be happier for him. The job is perfect for him. Studio photography, some sporting events, and just the typical school setup stuff. The only bad thing that keeps this from being a career is that it doesn't pay enough to support a family with.(Though I know he wishes it did and will probably try his hardest to make it work so he doesn't have to leave.)

The worst part about that job is that it's in Huntsville. And I'm in Tuscaloosa. So we can only see each other on weekends. I know it's not that bad, things could be worse. But it's killing me inside. I don't do well being alone. No offense to my friends here, but they're not Josh. Even when I'm with my friends, I'm not completely there. My mind is always on Josh. I don't know how to stop that. I wish I did. I'm not happy anymore. When Josh left, it was like he took my life with him. I'm just this empty shell of a person, just barely functioning enough to get by day to day. My heart is in Huntsville and I can't get it back for another 38 weeks. I'm physically sick from this. I wake up at all hours of the night. I have headaches constantly (probably from crying so much). My IBS has come back with full force making me sick multiple times a day.

I keep telling myself things will get easier. I don't think they will. I think I'm going to keep living my life like a robot until May. I might stop crying every day, but I know I won't care about anything here. The only thing that brightens my day is talking to Josh in the afternoon or evening. The only thing that gives me a boost to make it through my day is the random texts that Josh is able to send every now and then while he's at work. They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Fuck that. My heart is fond enough thank you. It can't get any more fonder. All it can do is ache while he's away.

On a lighter note, all this separation is helping me lose weight for the wedding day. I've already lost 3 pounds. Only like, 20 or so more to go. If I lose a pound a week, I'll be looking great on that wedding day.

--------

I like watching the ducks play in the bushes outside my office window. :)

Puppies are cute....when they're asleep

So Josh and I have had Penny for about a month now. She's a really lovable and smart puppy, but that's just it.... She's a puppy. And for some reason she always acts up when it's just me and her in the house. She respects Josh. And he's rarely home during her hyper times. But with me, it's nothing but jumping all over me, being hyper, ripping up stuff, crapping and peeing in my bedroom, and torturing the cat. My home is not a home anymore. It's so stressful and I feel I can't get anything done. She just doesn't feel like my dog. Even though she lives with me, she feels just like Josh's dog. I don't want to get rid of her, but I think I'm most content while Josh is out walking her and I have about 15 minutes of peace and quiet. But when she's being good, I love her. There's nothing better than having someone look so happy to see you when you walk in the door.

I'm ready for her to be trained. But Josh, as with everything else, procrastinates. Don't even get me started on the fact that we're halfway through July and he's done next to nothing about getting a job...

I'm tired of writing. Cuz I'm just plain tired. I know this isn't much, but I just wanted to vent a tiny bit about her.

zzzZZZZZzzzz

I need a break. I'm exhausted. I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed the past few we  actually, I don't know how long. As sad as it is, I think I miss the few weeks after the tornado. That's the last time I really remember not feeling busy. I remember how happy I was the day of the tornado. I had just officially set the date for my wedding. For that 30 minutes before the storm came in, I was ecstatic. Watching Glee...eating Steak Out. Now, I'm not really even excited about the wedding. I know it's just because this is some down time from planning. Come August when I try on gowns I'll be that happy again. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still ecstatic about marrying Josh. I think I'm just more excited about being married right now than having the wedding. I just have too much on my plate right now to be excited about wedding stuff.

I got a better job. I'll be my boss basically, just at a different dorm. Moving up in the ranks from mere Desk Assistant to Office Manager. And I'll have a lot more responsibility at Ridgecrest. I'm very happy about it. It'll be something new, because frankly, I'm on my last leg with this job. I wanted to quit so bad yesterday. And with the new job I'll get a raise. So that will make for nice pay checks....which I desperately need before getting married and being out on my own. But to be perfectly honest, I doubt my ability to be a good Office Manager. If I were staying at Riverside, I'd have all the confidence in the world. But that's a whole different desk. A whole different world. I don't know how things work over there. I'm going to be dropped straight into an entirely new situation, and to quote the Community Director from there, I'm going to "hit the ground running." Am I ready for that? I know I'm capable of being in a managerial position, but am I really ready for this? I don't know. But I guess we'll just have to see how it goes. I'm going to try my hardest. I just don't want to let anybody down.

In other news, Josh (and I, but really more Josh) got a puppy 2 days ago. Yeah, I know "Oh! New puppy! Awww!!! That's so wonderful!" Meh, it's bittersweet I guess you can say. I think I'm just having a hard time getting used to the new life. Like I always say, I don't like change. I love Penny. She's so sweet. And really, she's probably the best behaved puppy I've ever seen. But she's still a puppy. Just yesterday I was up at 5:30am, so I only got 5 hours of sleep. Then just an hour after going on her morning walk she decided to pee in my living room. And of course I had to be the one to clean up. And Stewie's miserable. And that evening she bit my hand while playing and made me bleed. (Though I shouldn't be a stranger to hand and arm wounds after 2 years with Stewie.) And she bit the shirt I was wearing (one of my newer nice ones) and ripped a whole in it. Then she decided to take a walking crap through my bedroom, when Josh is gone of course, so once again, I had to be the cleaner of the accident. 7 different spots in my room and it took over an hour for it to air out. Having to deal with absolutely no time to myself on top of being extremely busy with photography just made me break down and cry like a baby last night. But I can't be mad at that stupid dog. When I walk in and she's just sitting there with her head cocked to the side with her toy hanging from her mouth, or when she's laying on my floor on her back with her legs spread as wide as they'll go, I just have to laugh. She'll fit in fine. I just need to get used to her.

I think I really just need a vacation. This weekend will be semi-nice. Josh's parents are finally meeting my parents. I know my mom's going to be freaking out to make sure everything's perfect, but I'm excited to see how things go. I really hope everyone likes each other. And next weekend I get to bring Josh and Tim to Mobile to help Ed move out of the house. I know Ed's happy about that. And then hopefully we'll head up to Huntsville after to spend the 4th of July at the new lake house. Then hopefully the month of July will be less hectic. Less hours at work, and definitely less time spent on campus doing work.

Just gotta keep thinking to myself that in a week things will be all better.

It's hard growing up. Wish I didn't have to. But I have 2 hairy children at home who need me to be a good mommy. So I guess I have to. :)

Tomorrow's going to be rough. Can't sleep. Between self pity and too much Steak and Shake, I think I might be up allllll night. I don't want to ramble much. I feel awkward sitting downstairs at Josh's house while everyone's asleep.

I'm so jealous of Josh so very often. To make a long story short, because of an invite to a b-day party/big ol' high school friends reunion next week that Josh got, I'm now just crying and feeling sorry for myself like an idiot. Cuz it's making me think of how I don't have highschool friends anymore. I mean, after my family moved to Mobile, that was it. I lost the home that I grew up in and loved. I lost my boyfriend of almost 2 years. And after a short while, I lost touch with just about everyone I hung out with in school. I had Dustin up in T-town with me, but now even we're not even friends really anymore. And I have Joann and Tim, but Joann and me were mainly church buddies, and I never hung out with Tim until college. So yeah, I can talk to Tim about general things with NHS, but I see Josh reminiscing with Jason and Jordon and Greg about all the things they used to do. I hear countless stories of his high school days. I have nobody to talk to about the things we used to do in Dothan. Nobody that experienced them with me. And really, because of that, I'm starting to forget a good portion of my high school years. I loved high school. Every year. And I have nobody to share that with. And it sucks. And I know this is very mean to say, but I still don't forgive my parents. I know it was good for them to move. But I lost many good friendships and memories because of it, and it's going to be a long while before I get over it.

There's more I could say, but I just don't really want to. I know a lot of people know how I feel. Tim, if you read this, I think you probably know better than anybody.

Just sucks. I want what he has and I can't have it. And it hurts when I see him so happy.

if everything could ever feel this real forever...

So it's been quite a long time. In all honesty, I can't remember what my last blog was about. But this one is about being the happiest I think I have ever been in my life.

Because I have 30 minutes left at work, I want to just give you all a glance into the relationship of me and Josh:

Almost 2 and a half years ago, I started dating Josh. I've said this to him many times, but I had no idea our relationship would go down the path it has. See, I had just come out of a terrible relationship with some idiot, who I'm pretty sure cheated on me on my birthday after I had to go a whole summer of only seeing him once. I wasn't looking for anyone serious that fall. Actually, I think that was the first time I had ever looked for someone with just the intention of dating for a little while. Well, needless to say, it didn't turn out that way. We grew so close so quickly. I had strayed away from my typical guy interest, and it worked. Very early on in our relationship, I knew I wanted it to last forever. Now, the road hasn't always been paved with diamonds and sunshine. Though pretty much none of our friends knew it, we had many, many fights. Granted, none of these fights were never really about each other. We never got angry with each other really. Most of our fights were during breaks when we couldn't be around each other. But we never went to bed upset. We always talked and worked it out. This is one of the things I most treasure about our relationship. This is how I know that being married to Josh is a great idea. This is how I know I am going to be with him for the rest of my life.

And so our relationship has gone for almost 2 and a half years. We knew we wanted to get married. And we've come to a point in our lives where we're being forced to grow up. So on Saturday, April 16th, Josh took one of the biggest steps of his life. (I'll tell you my side of the story.)

That day was A-day. And I had to work that afternoon. So because of all the traffic and lack of parking, I asked Josh to take me to work. The day went on like normal until it was almost time to leave. Josh had been at the photo lab for the past 2 hours or so. He said he wasn't quite done, so he asked if I could just come up there until he was finished. So I did. But when I got up to the 3rd floor and started walking towards the door, he poked his head out, saw me, and went back in. Um...ok? He doesn't normally do that. Normally he would be a gentleman and keep the door open for me until I got over there. So anyway, I get in and he grabbed my hand and says he's got something to show me. So he lead me back to the darkroom and handed me a sheet of photo paper from an enlarger. "Go develop it." And of course I looked at him like "A-wha??" "It's a surprise" he tells me. So I put it in the developer, and wait........and wait..... (I'm thinking something's up, but I really wasn't ready for what happened next.) Then the picture appeared and it's a close up picture of the ring I had picked out. I turned to Josh and he got down on one knee and opened the box with my ring inside. And he asked me to marry him

Now, at this point I basically blacked out from all the emotions pouring out of me. I know I cried. And I'm told I said yes. I do barely remember him putting the ring on my hand. I would look at the ring, then hug him, then look at the ring, then hug him.

I know I've made a big deal about this ring. And yes, I stare at it probably 100 times a day. But what I'm really truly happy about is knowing that I am really going to marry and spend the rest of my life with the most perfect guy in the world. Someone who loves me and takes care of me. Someone who makes me laugh like an idiot and holds me until I stop crying. I could never imagine my life with anyone other than him. I really am the luckiest girl in the world. And I know life will have its hard times, but I also know that we'll make it through them together. I grow more and more in love with him every day, and our relationship grows stronger with each passing minute. I can't wait until a year and a month from now when I can say "I do".

I love you baby. Thank you so much for making my life and my heart complete.

Pain.

“Pain is such an uncomfortable feeling that even a tiny amount of it is enough to ruin every enjoyment.”
- Will Rogers


Pain.
1. physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc.
2. a distressing sensation, in a particular part of the body: a back pain




I hate complaining. So hopefully there won't be too many more blogs like this. I had my appointment about my back yesterday. Needless to say, it was a waste of time and $50. 


So after I told the doctor where it hurt, how much it hurt, and all the things I've done to try to alleviate the pain, he told me I'm going to be in pain forever, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. He went on to explain that my type of scoliosis is lumbar scoliosis, which for some unfair reason is the most painful. My curvature is at 30 degrees, and they won't consider surgery until 40 or 45 degrees. And since my curve hasn't progressed in a year, it probably won't continue. So my back is just bad enough to be causing me serious pain every day, but not bad enough to fix it. And it will never be bad enough to fix. He said the cause of my pain is just my muscles getting sore from having to compensate for my crooked spine. Yes, I know that. I've seen many doctors who all say the same thing, and I've kind of been the one feeling this pain for 6 years. He said the only thing I can do is strengthen my muscles by exercising regularly and going to physical therapy. That way, it'll take longer before they get worn out and ache. Ok, first of all, I have back pain EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. I am never without pain. So either, my muscles never calm down, or it's more than just normal muscle ache. And second of all, it's not just my muscles. Yes, they hurt and that is the main reason why I seek help, but I want to be fixed for more than that. Not only do I have the pain, but I can also feel my crooked back. I constantly feel like I need to pop my back. Like there's some thing weird putting pressure on my back. Not my muscles. My spine. Though it's not painful, it's annoying. And having to deal with that annoying feeling along with my muscle pain is just wearing away at my mental state. But I guess I have to just get over it because it will never go away for the rest of my life.


He said no doctor would suggest surgery. But, shouldn't that be my decision if I want to have it? You say there's no way to fix my problem, but really there is. Surgery. Straighten my spine. Yes, the doctors say that the risks outweigh the problem. But if I'm willing to do that, shouldn't I be allowed to? I feel like the doctor just judges me from the moment he sees me. I'm just some overweight girl who has scoliosis, but is too lazy to do anything about it. When that is so far from the truth. I like being active. I long to be more active. But I can't. I physically can't. Just walking around campus makes me want to cry because I'm in so much pain. How am I supposed to strengthen my muscles? Power through the pain. Bawl like a baby at the gym?


Ok, doctor. I'll do your stupid physical therapy. Again. I'll attempt to exercise. Again. I'll have no change to my pain. Again. And I will be miserable forever. 


Will I be able to handle being a photographer? Lugging around all that equipment, being on my feet all day. Kneeling, crouching, bending in weird positions just to get the right shot. How much will I be able to take before I finally crack?


I started crying last night as I was going to bed. I started thinking of my wedding day. How I'm going to be on my feet basically all day. In heels. And how much pain I'm going to be in. On the happiest day of my life, I won't be fully happy because I will be in so much pain. 

Rant time!

Look, you're not dating. Yes, you're still head over heels in love with him. But you know he's never going to want to be more than friends. Ever. Period. Get over it. You say you need to, but you're not willing to. All your friends tell you to, but you refuse. Now let me make this nice and clear

IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE TO CONTROL WHO HE IS FRIENDS WITH OR WHO HE WANTS TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR.


You have absolutely no right to yell at him and get in giant arguments any time he doesn't do what you want him to. If he doesn't feel like texting you, calling you, hanging out with you, etc., then he doesn't have to. If he wants to talk to a girl, if he wants to make a new friend that's a girl, if he wants to attempt a new relationship, then he can. You are his FRIEND. And only his friend. Nothing more. I don't care how close of friends the two of you are, you cannot control him. Feel free to be upset that he's moving on an you're not. But just keep it to yourself. Or cry to your other friends. Other people want to have more prominent roles in your life, but you just won't let them. He should never have to feel guilty for having feelings for someone. If you really, truly loved him like you say you do, you would be happy for him because he has finally found someone that could very well be the perfect girl for him. You should let him live his life in the way that is best for him, not you. He deserves the best. He has made it very clear that you are not the right girl for him. So stop keeping him from opportunities that could lead to the right girl.

Now don't think that I just think you're an awful person. We've tried telling you that you need to move on. What you're doing now is not moving on. You actually need this even more than he does. He is going to leave you some day soon. He will graduate, move on with his life, and you'll be left here alone. I tried telling you before that you need to take this time to re-strengthen your other friendships, so that when he does leave, you have someone to fall back on. So please, for both of you, let him go.

Now back to tough love.
If you ruin this weekend for us, you'll be hearing from me. My BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD is coming to visit me, which rarely happens. She wants to see him, and he wants to see her. If you keep that from happening, there will be hell. Believe me. He is allowed to have friends. He is allowed to hang out with them with the rest of the group there too when they come to town. So just let it happen, or all of your friends will certainly be pissed at you.

Don't know what to say

I don't really know why I'm writing in this. I guess it's just because I have nowhere else to go maybe? I feel so drained. Maybe not always physically, but definitely always mentally and emotionally. I don't really know how to go about writing everything. There's so much stuff going on that talking about everything as much as I want to would lead to a 4 page post. (Is there a word limit on these things?) So I think maybe in this thing, I'll just sum up everything. I just need some outlet at the moment, because I'm literally bursting. And I'm at work and it's hard when I have to constantly keep from crying. I don't even know why I'm crying. I don't feel like crying, but I think it's just the only thing my body knows to do, you know? I've been saying for months that things just haven't been going good. I got my hopes up for no reason for Wheel of Fortune only to get rejected when I clearly was one of the best people there. But that's a whole blog in itself. And, sorry Josh but you know it's been on my mind, I've been waiting not-so-patiently for a proposal to happen which isn't going to happen for a long time. And frankly, most of the happy feelings that I had for it have gone now. I know I'll be the happiest I've ever been when it does happen, but for now I just don't even want to think about it because it makes me so unhappy. Not to mention I'm still trying to graduate, along with dealing with roommate issues, and helping to bear emotional burdens of friends in trouble. But above all right now, I'm in so much constant pain, it's making me feel completely alone. Because of it, I've run out of patience. I'm constantly frustrated, and it's making me be irritable towards people and situations that don't deserve it. And I am needing help and someone to take care of me, but nobody can do any of that. Not even my mom, who is the one person I go to when I'm in a pickle, can't do anything except come with me to the doctor in 2 weeks. Maybe if I'm just completely honest like I'm doing right now, the doctor will finally take me seriously for once. Just this feeling of seclusion is the worst. I've never been able to handle being alone. But being in pain and alone? No wonder I'm crying all the time. I guess that's all I really know to say right now. I don't really feel any better, but at least I'm not crying anymore.

Mama said my back's as crooked as a question mark

So I can't sleep. Wanna know why? My back. Story of my life. And I'm so angry now because it just keeps getting worse. I know you probably don't care about this (and Josh, I'm sorry because you've heard me rant a million times) but just to bring you up to date, here's the history of my spinal issues:

Freshman year: last ever scoliosis screening! Yay! Right? No. "Miss Masline, go back to the waiting area, we'll need to see you again in a minute." Sure, I'll get out of class for longer. Turns out I have scoliosis. *Time out* For those who don't know for some reason, Scoliosis is a genetic issue that causes the spine to become bent (like an S kinda) and twisted. It can either progress over time or never change depending on the case. It can either never affect the person, or it could end up leaving someone severely disfigured, but those are very rare. *Ok, time in* So I go to my doctor to really confirm, and yeah, but it's not bad, and probably won't get any worse.

Junior year: over the summer, just a week before leaving for a 2 week Mexico mission trip, I go to the movies and come home almost unable to walk or even move because of severe back pain. Head to Southern Bone and Joint (some of the best orthopedic doctors in Dothan) and "well your scoliosis isn't the issue. You just have weak muscles in your back. Here's some exercises and a looooad of prescription pain  pills and muscle relaxers" aka happy fun time magic pills. After weeks on pain pills (and probably a crap load of divine intervention during my trip...plus sleeping on a hammock doesn't hurt either) my back feels normal again.

Senior year: no idea when, but sometime end up having back problems again. Now I visit Dr. Choquet at Southern Bone and Joint. Finally, a real diagnosis for my pain. "You have one leg slightly shorter than the other. Here, wear this lift in your shoe and you'll be better." And it did work...for a while at least.

*side note* I'd just like to point out, that sometime during all of this, my back never completely quit hurting. I have had some sort of pain or discomfort every second of every day since somewhere around junior or senior year

Freshman year: still wearing the lift, but back pain starts up again. Go to see Dr. Claytor at UOC because he was the one who repaired my brother's bulging disc. Once again get the diagnosis of weak muscles. Still says scoliosis isn't bad (even though the x-ray scares my mom and me) but makes me get an MRI. MRI shows what he then calls Degenerative Disc Disease. When a disc in the cord starts wearing away and getting thinner. Mostly found in older people. So he just gives me more exercises and tells me to keep an eye on it.

I put up with the pain for a few years. Some days are ok, some are bad, but it's my life now. Until last year...maybe this past summer I think. Pain starts getting to be too much again. At this point I'm dating Josh and have had my eyes opened to chiropractic medicine. So, with the help of Josh and his dad, I find a guy in Tuscaloosa. More x-rays. He takes a look at it and "wow...yeah, your back is really messed up. You have a curvature of so-and-so degrees (I can't remember...30? maybe?). Many people get bracing way before this. And it's so bad, it's pressing and crushing this disc," So no, it's not degenerative disc disease. It's scoliosis being a little bitch. Oh, and that whole leg shorter than the other? That is also scoliosis being a little bitch. "We'll start a strict regimen to start to straighten and untwist your spine."

Yeah, that got my hopes up because he led me to believe he'd actually fix me and make my back straight again. Talk to Josh's dad, no that can't be done. All you can do is help slow the progression. I keep going for a few weeks and quit. I don't know why. I got my hopes crushed after hearing I couldn't be fixed. Maybe that was it. So here I am. I want to fix it. But there's no way to fix it. Well there is, but that's surgery and nobody wants to do that. All you can do is slow progression or whatever. So what you're trying to tell me is, I have to completely change my life and do all this hard work every day for the rest of my life only to still have this crap, still be in pain every day, and still end up mishapen when I'm older? I'm sorry, but that just pisses me off.

What I would give for even one day of no pain... I don't even remember what it's like to be pain-free. And as a 22 year old, I think that's just unfair. Yeah, I know I could have worse things wrong with me, but whatever. This tortures me. I hate that I can't carry my bookbag to my classes and back to my car without being close to tears because my back hurts so bad. I hate that every time I lay down, I have to take a minute or 5 minutes to breathe and get over the sharp stabbing pain coursing through my back before I can finally relax. I hate that I can't lift anything besides maybe groceries because if I try too hard, I'll hurt my back and I'll barely be able to walk the rest of the day. I'm 22 for fuck's sake! I should be active, enjoying life, doing things and having fun! But instead I'm sitting on the couch, typing a blog, unable to sleep because my back hurts too bad. I have another appointment at UOC with Dr. Claytor in a few weeks. I just want to show him my x-rays and see if there's anything I can do to prevent me from being a cripple for the rest of my life. And I swear, if one more doctor tells me I just need to lose weight and all my problems will go away, I will kill a bulldog puppy. And if anyone knows me, they should know that I love bulldog puppies more than pretty much anything. Because doctors, I have tried to lose weight. And I've lost weight before and it has done NOTHING! So, if that's what you wanna tell me, you better freaking pay for a personal nutritionist and trainer to get me as skinny as possible, then I can show you that I'll be a skinny girl in pain every day. And maybe then someone will finally help me.

I just want to no longer be in pain. More than anything.

You go to hell and you die!!

I don't really mean the title of this post. Just stole it from whatever...movie, tv...whatever. Anyway, it just popped in my head just now because I'm really fracking pissed.

I'm not a confrontational person, but about 20 minutes ago, I was ridiculously close to screaming and storming out of the room. I just cannot get over how selfish and uncaring she is. Let me set the scene for you:

You arrive home from work to see all the lights off, the TV volume turned waaaay down, and your roommate asleep on the couch. What do you do? Do you:

A. Get your business downstairs done quietly and head upstairs to your room to allow your roommate peace and quiet

B. Get your business downstairs done at normal volume, then proceed to take the remote, turn the TV volume up, sit down and eat a snack and play on the computer.

Let me guess. You chose A! Congratulations, you are a normal considerate human being!! Too bad I can't live with you. So yeah, that was my evening. I find it EXTREMELY bitchy to do that. But maybe I just think differently.

I'm just incredibly pissed because not only was I deprived of a nap tonight, but I was up almost nonstop since 6:00 because of the bitch whore. Come home from your fricking "boyfriend's" house at 6am, turn your noise machine up to ear piercing levels, then proceed to shower, blow dry your hair, and everything all before 9am when I have to be awake. Yeah, I understand you have to get ready for work. But it is so fucking loud in my room when you do all that stuff with the door open. You might not realize but there's a very thin wall and about 3 feet of air between your shower and my pillow. So yeah, I'm pissed.

And I just found out that she actually is staying in Tuscaloosa after March. Is it sad that I was actually a little disappointed? I don't think so. Oh well. Live with your sorority coworker at some other apartment complex. Considering nobody invites you to anything now, I doubt you'll stay in the group much longer anyway. And if you keep acting like an insufferable cunt, you won't have your "best friend" in Tuscaloosa anymore either.

Sweet Home Alabama is only ok when there are drunk people or Auburn fans around

I'm dizzy. Don't know if it's from anger, a headache, lack of food, or what....

There's a band practicing up here (I'm at work.) so it's not the quietest place. I've been listening to them for an hour and a half. Frankly, it's getting old. And my headache isn't getting any better. If you have a band. Practice in a damn house. If you live in a dorm, why do you even have a freaking drum set here?? You're all very talented guys, but you're pissing me off. And apparently I get to deal with them tomorrow while I'm at work, too. I'd say I can invest in some nice headphones, but those aren't allowed at work. So I get to hear this. Yay.

I'm still dealing with certain people being a passive aggressive bitch. 2 more months. Omg...seriously this band is about to make me flip... There's nowhere I can go anymore to escape. I hate being at school. I hate being home. I'm just stuck. At least Josh has been doing better about being there for me. I seriously haven't been happy in probably about a month. Just nothing seems to be actually going well for me. Things are either bad or just going nowhere. I want to grow up, move on, get to that next point in my life.

But that should be it for now. I'm ready for the weather to not be so icky. I wish I had a better winter wardrobe. And rain boots. My feet wish I had those.

Snowy bitches

(I think I might have grabbed another person and thrown them into the world of blogging....looking forward to reading it!)

Why can't Tuscaloosa get happy, fluffy snow? All we get is ice and rain. We get all the crappy parts of cold weather precipitation, and none of the fun. We get all the dirty, sand covered bridges and ugly piles of ice pellets. Not to mention of course nobody knows how to drive in this weather, so there's car wrecks as far as the eye can see. So, hey weather...shift back to how you were this past weekend. 60s. We'll all get along better. I promise.

Ok, so certain person. I know you're pissed at me. Frankly, I can understand why, but I still think it's pointless to. It was going to happen sooner or later, I just decided for it to happen sooner. I'm sorry that you've chosen to get cozy in this half-ass life you have, while I've chosen to move on to bigger and better things. I thought this might give you a boost and some motivation to finally seek out something better than what you have, but it seems as though you're deciding to sink even lower than where you are. But that's not my fault. I'm allowed to do what I want with my life. I'm sorry it affects you in a way, but like I said before, it was going to happen eventually. So, get over it. And don't try to purposely make my life hell by you being a subtle bitch. Just to let you know, it's not so subtle. Your little ways of saying "fuck you" to me really just make you seem like a bitchy cunt. It's that part of your personality that makes nobody want to be around you anyway. I liked how you used to be. I really did. But in the past few years, you've changed. And not for the better. You're overly critical of everyone around you, and I think that's because deep down you're mad at yourself for having absolutely nothing going for you. You don't take risks or try to really live your life. At least these people that you constantly yell at can look back on their lives and be satisfied. Can you?

Kathy Troccoli - A Baby's Prayer

While this thing is still new, I feel like I can go ahead and just write my thoughts about this. You know, before more people start reading.

Late last night I was woken up by my phone ringing. It was my best friend. She was incredibly upset. We had a long talk about her concerns about some moral issues she's been having. We're both very religious, so this is a big deal for her. Well, she's already messed up before. Had a terrible relationship with a complete asshole who got her pregnant, was never there for her (even forgot to pick her and her new baby up from the hospital because he was busy having sex...she knows this because his phone answered when she called and she heard everything), and now his parents have started a huge custody battle and basically ripped her child away from her for an entire year. Phew. Well...turns out, that this wasn't her moral crisis. She had a short term relationship a while ago which ended up with her getting pregnant again....and she got an abortion.

Both of us are 100% pro-life. So this news hit me hard. I mean, she's the one I've ALWAYS looked up to as far as faith and morality, and here she's fallen hard down this path. I know she's a wonderful person, she's just gone through a lot and needs help. But she refuses help because that's just the kind of person she is. Not stubborn...she just cares more about everyone else and doesn't feel she's worth helping. I think that partly stems from her emotional abuse she had to deal with growing up. I really think she could do so much better if she could talk to a professional about everything.

I feel like I should be angry with her for what I've always considered murder. But somehow, I'm not. Though I can't stand the thought of abortion, I can understand why she made that choice. She's single, supporting herself, in the middle of a terrible custody battle, and simply can't handle it. I'm more upset that she let herself get into that situation. I don't know why she didn't use protection or take some Plan B. Or why she even had casual sex in the first place. I didn't feel like it was the time to ask that while she was crying on the phone.

I wish abortion would be made illegal. At least we've succeeded in getting partial birth abortion illegal. How someone can see flipping a baby around in the belly, going throw labor, getting all but the head out, then vacuuming the baby's brains out to kill it, and not think that it's murder, I don't understand. But I believe that even when the baby isn't fully formed, it's still an innocent life. Just because it relies on the mother to grow and survive, doesn't mean it doesn't have a right to live. You wouldn't go around clubbing comatose patients in the head just because they can't survive on their own, would you? I know that's a bit of a leap, but I just had the mental image of some crazed person, leaping dramatically from bed to bed with baseball bat in hand.

But I've rambled on enough. I could talk for days about my opinions on abortion. To sum up: woah holy crap, shit's gone down, abortion is bad...mmk? More tomorrow probably. I still have many things to talk about!

Bienvenidos al mundo de BLOGGING!

I don't speak Spanish. So forgive the title. I'm just taking the class to get my FL credit so I can eventually graduate. But anyway, thanks to reading the wonderful posts by my dear friend Kellie (Z) Rodriguez, I've now been inspired to create my own blog for complaining, contemplating, and just general rambling. Now, I've been wary of starting a blog mainly because I don't want to piss people off. There are many things that I don't want the world to see about me. But, I think I want to get over that fear. This blog (kind of like Kellie's) will be mainly for venting. You know, getting things off my chest and such. But I also want to use this kind of as a therapy for myself. Sometimes I need to get things out that I don't necessarily feel comfortable talking to people about. So we'll see what comes of this! I'll save my venting and such for my next blog. I just wanted a nice little intro thing to get things started.