So I can't sleep. Wanna know why? My back. Story of my life. And I'm so angry now because it just keeps getting worse. I know you probably don't care about this (and Josh, I'm sorry because you've heard me rant a million times) but just to bring you up to date, here's the history of my spinal issues:
Freshman year: last ever scoliosis screening! Yay! Right? No. "Miss Masline, go back to the waiting area, we'll need to see you again in a minute." Sure, I'll get out of class for longer. Turns out I have scoliosis. *Time out* For those who don't know for some reason, Scoliosis is a genetic issue that causes the spine to become bent (like an S kinda) and twisted. It can either progress over time or never change depending on the case. It can either never affect the person, or it could end up leaving someone severely disfigured, but those are very rare. *Ok, time in* So I go to my doctor to really confirm, and yeah, but it's not bad, and probably won't get any worse.
Junior year: over the summer, just a week before leaving for a 2 week Mexico mission trip, I go to the movies and come home almost unable to walk or even move because of severe back pain. Head to Southern Bone and Joint (some of the best orthopedic doctors in Dothan) and "well your scoliosis isn't the issue. You just have weak muscles in your back. Here's some exercises and a looooad of prescription pain pills and muscle relaxers" aka happy fun time magic pills. After weeks on pain pills (and probably a crap load of divine intervention during my trip...plus sleeping on a hammock doesn't hurt either) my back feels normal again.
Senior year: no idea when, but sometime end up having back problems again. Now I visit Dr. Choquet at Southern Bone and Joint. Finally, a real diagnosis for my pain. "You have one leg slightly shorter than the other. Here, wear this lift in your shoe and you'll be better." And it did work...for a while at least.
*side note* I'd just like to point out, that sometime during all of this, my back never completely quit hurting. I have had some sort of pain or discomfort every second of every day since somewhere around junior or senior year
Freshman year: still wearing the lift, but back pain starts up again. Go to see Dr. Claytor at UOC because he was the one who repaired my brother's bulging disc. Once again get the diagnosis of weak muscles. Still says scoliosis isn't bad (even though the x-ray scares my mom and me) but makes me get an MRI. MRI shows what he then calls Degenerative Disc Disease. When a disc in the cord starts wearing away and getting thinner. Mostly found in older people. So he just gives me more exercises and tells me to keep an eye on it.
I put up with the pain for a few years. Some days are ok, some are bad, but it's my life now. Until last year...maybe this past summer I think. Pain starts getting to be too much again. At this point I'm dating Josh and have had my eyes opened to chiropractic medicine. So, with the help of Josh and his dad, I find a guy in Tuscaloosa. More x-rays. He takes a look at it and "wow...yeah, your back is really messed up. You have a curvature of so-and-so degrees (I can't remember...30? maybe?). Many people get bracing way before this. And it's so bad, it's pressing and crushing this disc," So no, it's not degenerative disc disease. It's scoliosis being a little bitch. Oh, and that whole leg shorter than the other? That is also scoliosis being a little bitch. "We'll start a strict regimen to start to straighten and untwist your spine."
Yeah, that got my hopes up because he led me to believe he'd actually fix me and make my back straight again. Talk to Josh's dad, no that can't be done. All you can do is help slow the progression. I keep going for a few weeks and quit. I don't know why. I got my hopes crushed after hearing I couldn't be fixed. Maybe that was it. So here I am. I want to fix it. But there's no way to fix it. Well there is, but that's surgery and nobody wants to do that. All you can do is slow progression or whatever. So what you're trying to tell me is, I have to completely change my life and do all this hard work every day for the rest of my life only to still have this crap, still be in pain every day, and still end up mishapen when I'm older? I'm sorry, but that just pisses me off.
What I would give for even one day of no pain... I don't even remember what it's like to be pain-free. And as a 22 year old, I think that's just unfair. Yeah, I know I could have worse things wrong with me, but whatever. This tortures me. I hate that I can't carry my bookbag to my classes and back to my car without being close to tears because my back hurts so bad. I hate that every time I lay down, I have to take a minute or 5 minutes to breathe and get over the sharp stabbing pain coursing through my back before I can finally relax. I hate that I can't lift anything besides maybe groceries because if I try too hard, I'll hurt my back and I'll barely be able to walk the rest of the day. I'm 22 for fuck's sake! I should be active, enjoying life, doing things and having fun! But instead I'm sitting on the couch, typing a blog, unable to sleep because my back hurts too bad. I have another appointment at UOC with Dr. Claytor in a few weeks. I just want to show him my x-rays and see if there's anything I can do to prevent me from being a cripple for the rest of my life. And I swear, if one more doctor tells me I just need to lose weight and all my problems will go away, I will kill a bulldog puppy. And if anyone knows me, they should know that I love bulldog puppies more than pretty much anything. Because doctors, I have tried to lose weight. And I've lost weight before and it has done NOTHING! So, if that's what you wanna tell me, you better freaking pay for a personal nutritionist and trainer to get me as skinny as possible, then I can show you that I'll be a skinny girl in pain every day. And maybe then someone will finally help me.
I just want to no longer be in pain. More than anything.
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