Pain.

“Pain is such an uncomfortable feeling that even a tiny amount of it is enough to ruin every enjoyment.”
- Will Rogers


Pain.
1. physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc.
2. a distressing sensation, in a particular part of the body: a back pain




I hate complaining. So hopefully there won't be too many more blogs like this. I had my appointment about my back yesterday. Needless to say, it was a waste of time and $50. 


So after I told the doctor where it hurt, how much it hurt, and all the things I've done to try to alleviate the pain, he told me I'm going to be in pain forever, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. He went on to explain that my type of scoliosis is lumbar scoliosis, which for some unfair reason is the most painful. My curvature is at 30 degrees, and they won't consider surgery until 40 or 45 degrees. And since my curve hasn't progressed in a year, it probably won't continue. So my back is just bad enough to be causing me serious pain every day, but not bad enough to fix it. And it will never be bad enough to fix. He said the cause of my pain is just my muscles getting sore from having to compensate for my crooked spine. Yes, I know that. I've seen many doctors who all say the same thing, and I've kind of been the one feeling this pain for 6 years. He said the only thing I can do is strengthen my muscles by exercising regularly and going to physical therapy. That way, it'll take longer before they get worn out and ache. Ok, first of all, I have back pain EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. I am never without pain. So either, my muscles never calm down, or it's more than just normal muscle ache. And second of all, it's not just my muscles. Yes, they hurt and that is the main reason why I seek help, but I want to be fixed for more than that. Not only do I have the pain, but I can also feel my crooked back. I constantly feel like I need to pop my back. Like there's some thing weird putting pressure on my back. Not my muscles. My spine. Though it's not painful, it's annoying. And having to deal with that annoying feeling along with my muscle pain is just wearing away at my mental state. But I guess I have to just get over it because it will never go away for the rest of my life.


He said no doctor would suggest surgery. But, shouldn't that be my decision if I want to have it? You say there's no way to fix my problem, but really there is. Surgery. Straighten my spine. Yes, the doctors say that the risks outweigh the problem. But if I'm willing to do that, shouldn't I be allowed to? I feel like the doctor just judges me from the moment he sees me. I'm just some overweight girl who has scoliosis, but is too lazy to do anything about it. When that is so far from the truth. I like being active. I long to be more active. But I can't. I physically can't. Just walking around campus makes me want to cry because I'm in so much pain. How am I supposed to strengthen my muscles? Power through the pain. Bawl like a baby at the gym?


Ok, doctor. I'll do your stupid physical therapy. Again. I'll attempt to exercise. Again. I'll have no change to my pain. Again. And I will be miserable forever. 


Will I be able to handle being a photographer? Lugging around all that equipment, being on my feet all day. Kneeling, crouching, bending in weird positions just to get the right shot. How much will I be able to take before I finally crack?


I started crying last night as I was going to bed. I started thinking of my wedding day. How I'm going to be on my feet basically all day. In heels. And how much pain I'm going to be in. On the happiest day of my life, I won't be fully happy because I will be in so much pain.