38 more weeks...

So last week Josh got offered a photography job in Huntsville. Couldn't be happier for him. The job is perfect for him. Studio photography, some sporting events, and just the typical school setup stuff. The only bad thing that keeps this from being a career is that it doesn't pay enough to support a family with.(Though I know he wishes it did and will probably try his hardest to make it work so he doesn't have to leave.)

The worst part about that job is that it's in Huntsville. And I'm in Tuscaloosa. So we can only see each other on weekends. I know it's not that bad, things could be worse. But it's killing me inside. I don't do well being alone. No offense to my friends here, but they're not Josh. Even when I'm with my friends, I'm not completely there. My mind is always on Josh. I don't know how to stop that. I wish I did. I'm not happy anymore. When Josh left, it was like he took my life with him. I'm just this empty shell of a person, just barely functioning enough to get by day to day. My heart is in Huntsville and I can't get it back for another 38 weeks. I'm physically sick from this. I wake up at all hours of the night. I have headaches constantly (probably from crying so much). My IBS has come back with full force making me sick multiple times a day.

I keep telling myself things will get easier. I don't think they will. I think I'm going to keep living my life like a robot until May. I might stop crying every day, but I know I won't care about anything here. The only thing that brightens my day is talking to Josh in the afternoon or evening. The only thing that gives me a boost to make it through my day is the random texts that Josh is able to send every now and then while he's at work. They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Fuck that. My heart is fond enough thank you. It can't get any more fonder. All it can do is ache while he's away.

On a lighter note, all this separation is helping me lose weight for the wedding day. I've already lost 3 pounds. Only like, 20 or so more to go. If I lose a pound a week, I'll be looking great on that wedding day.

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I like watching the ducks play in the bushes outside my office window. :)

Puppies are cute....when they're asleep

So Josh and I have had Penny for about a month now. She's a really lovable and smart puppy, but that's just it.... She's a puppy. And for some reason she always acts up when it's just me and her in the house. She respects Josh. And he's rarely home during her hyper times. But with me, it's nothing but jumping all over me, being hyper, ripping up stuff, crapping and peeing in my bedroom, and torturing the cat. My home is not a home anymore. It's so stressful and I feel I can't get anything done. She just doesn't feel like my dog. Even though she lives with me, she feels just like Josh's dog. I don't want to get rid of her, but I think I'm most content while Josh is out walking her and I have about 15 minutes of peace and quiet. But when she's being good, I love her. There's nothing better than having someone look so happy to see you when you walk in the door.

I'm ready for her to be trained. But Josh, as with everything else, procrastinates. Don't even get me started on the fact that we're halfway through July and he's done next to nothing about getting a job...

I'm tired of writing. Cuz I'm just plain tired. I know this isn't much, but I just wanted to vent a tiny bit about her.

zzzZZZZZzzzz

I need a break. I'm exhausted. I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed the past few we  actually, I don't know how long. As sad as it is, I think I miss the few weeks after the tornado. That's the last time I really remember not feeling busy. I remember how happy I was the day of the tornado. I had just officially set the date for my wedding. For that 30 minutes before the storm came in, I was ecstatic. Watching Glee...eating Steak Out. Now, I'm not really even excited about the wedding. I know it's just because this is some down time from planning. Come August when I try on gowns I'll be that happy again. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still ecstatic about marrying Josh. I think I'm just more excited about being married right now than having the wedding. I just have too much on my plate right now to be excited about wedding stuff.

I got a better job. I'll be my boss basically, just at a different dorm. Moving up in the ranks from mere Desk Assistant to Office Manager. And I'll have a lot more responsibility at Ridgecrest. I'm very happy about it. It'll be something new, because frankly, I'm on my last leg with this job. I wanted to quit so bad yesterday. And with the new job I'll get a raise. So that will make for nice pay checks....which I desperately need before getting married and being out on my own. But to be perfectly honest, I doubt my ability to be a good Office Manager. If I were staying at Riverside, I'd have all the confidence in the world. But that's a whole different desk. A whole different world. I don't know how things work over there. I'm going to be dropped straight into an entirely new situation, and to quote the Community Director from there, I'm going to "hit the ground running." Am I ready for that? I know I'm capable of being in a managerial position, but am I really ready for this? I don't know. But I guess we'll just have to see how it goes. I'm going to try my hardest. I just don't want to let anybody down.

In other news, Josh (and I, but really more Josh) got a puppy 2 days ago. Yeah, I know "Oh! New puppy! Awww!!! That's so wonderful!" Meh, it's bittersweet I guess you can say. I think I'm just having a hard time getting used to the new life. Like I always say, I don't like change. I love Penny. She's so sweet. And really, she's probably the best behaved puppy I've ever seen. But she's still a puppy. Just yesterday I was up at 5:30am, so I only got 5 hours of sleep. Then just an hour after going on her morning walk she decided to pee in my living room. And of course I had to be the one to clean up. And Stewie's miserable. And that evening she bit my hand while playing and made me bleed. (Though I shouldn't be a stranger to hand and arm wounds after 2 years with Stewie.) And she bit the shirt I was wearing (one of my newer nice ones) and ripped a whole in it. Then she decided to take a walking crap through my bedroom, when Josh is gone of course, so once again, I had to be the cleaner of the accident. 7 different spots in my room and it took over an hour for it to air out. Having to deal with absolutely no time to myself on top of being extremely busy with photography just made me break down and cry like a baby last night. But I can't be mad at that stupid dog. When I walk in and she's just sitting there with her head cocked to the side with her toy hanging from her mouth, or when she's laying on my floor on her back with her legs spread as wide as they'll go, I just have to laugh. She'll fit in fine. I just need to get used to her.

I think I really just need a vacation. This weekend will be semi-nice. Josh's parents are finally meeting my parents. I know my mom's going to be freaking out to make sure everything's perfect, but I'm excited to see how things go. I really hope everyone likes each other. And next weekend I get to bring Josh and Tim to Mobile to help Ed move out of the house. I know Ed's happy about that. And then hopefully we'll head up to Huntsville after to spend the 4th of July at the new lake house. Then hopefully the month of July will be less hectic. Less hours at work, and definitely less time spent on campus doing work.

Just gotta keep thinking to myself that in a week things will be all better.

It's hard growing up. Wish I didn't have to. But I have 2 hairy children at home who need me to be a good mommy. So I guess I have to. :)

Tomorrow's going to be rough. Can't sleep. Between self pity and too much Steak and Shake, I think I might be up allllll night. I don't want to ramble much. I feel awkward sitting downstairs at Josh's house while everyone's asleep.

I'm so jealous of Josh so very often. To make a long story short, because of an invite to a b-day party/big ol' high school friends reunion next week that Josh got, I'm now just crying and feeling sorry for myself like an idiot. Cuz it's making me think of how I don't have highschool friends anymore. I mean, after my family moved to Mobile, that was it. I lost the home that I grew up in and loved. I lost my boyfriend of almost 2 years. And after a short while, I lost touch with just about everyone I hung out with in school. I had Dustin up in T-town with me, but now even we're not even friends really anymore. And I have Joann and Tim, but Joann and me were mainly church buddies, and I never hung out with Tim until college. So yeah, I can talk to Tim about general things with NHS, but I see Josh reminiscing with Jason and Jordon and Greg about all the things they used to do. I hear countless stories of his high school days. I have nobody to talk to about the things we used to do in Dothan. Nobody that experienced them with me. And really, because of that, I'm starting to forget a good portion of my high school years. I loved high school. Every year. And I have nobody to share that with. And it sucks. And I know this is very mean to say, but I still don't forgive my parents. I know it was good for them to move. But I lost many good friendships and memories because of it, and it's going to be a long while before I get over it.

There's more I could say, but I just don't really want to. I know a lot of people know how I feel. Tim, if you read this, I think you probably know better than anybody.

Just sucks. I want what he has and I can't have it. And it hurts when I see him so happy.

if everything could ever feel this real forever...

So it's been quite a long time. In all honesty, I can't remember what my last blog was about. But this one is about being the happiest I think I have ever been in my life.

Because I have 30 minutes left at work, I want to just give you all a glance into the relationship of me and Josh:

Almost 2 and a half years ago, I started dating Josh. I've said this to him many times, but I had no idea our relationship would go down the path it has. See, I had just come out of a terrible relationship with some idiot, who I'm pretty sure cheated on me on my birthday after I had to go a whole summer of only seeing him once. I wasn't looking for anyone serious that fall. Actually, I think that was the first time I had ever looked for someone with just the intention of dating for a little while. Well, needless to say, it didn't turn out that way. We grew so close so quickly. I had strayed away from my typical guy interest, and it worked. Very early on in our relationship, I knew I wanted it to last forever. Now, the road hasn't always been paved with diamonds and sunshine. Though pretty much none of our friends knew it, we had many, many fights. Granted, none of these fights were never really about each other. We never got angry with each other really. Most of our fights were during breaks when we couldn't be around each other. But we never went to bed upset. We always talked and worked it out. This is one of the things I most treasure about our relationship. This is how I know that being married to Josh is a great idea. This is how I know I am going to be with him for the rest of my life.

And so our relationship has gone for almost 2 and a half years. We knew we wanted to get married. And we've come to a point in our lives where we're being forced to grow up. So on Saturday, April 16th, Josh took one of the biggest steps of his life. (I'll tell you my side of the story.)

That day was A-day. And I had to work that afternoon. So because of all the traffic and lack of parking, I asked Josh to take me to work. The day went on like normal until it was almost time to leave. Josh had been at the photo lab for the past 2 hours or so. He said he wasn't quite done, so he asked if I could just come up there until he was finished. So I did. But when I got up to the 3rd floor and started walking towards the door, he poked his head out, saw me, and went back in. Um...ok? He doesn't normally do that. Normally he would be a gentleman and keep the door open for me until I got over there. So anyway, I get in and he grabbed my hand and says he's got something to show me. So he lead me back to the darkroom and handed me a sheet of photo paper from an enlarger. "Go develop it." And of course I looked at him like "A-wha??" "It's a surprise" he tells me. So I put it in the developer, and wait........and wait..... (I'm thinking something's up, but I really wasn't ready for what happened next.) Then the picture appeared and it's a close up picture of the ring I had picked out. I turned to Josh and he got down on one knee and opened the box with my ring inside. And he asked me to marry him

Now, at this point I basically blacked out from all the emotions pouring out of me. I know I cried. And I'm told I said yes. I do barely remember him putting the ring on my hand. I would look at the ring, then hug him, then look at the ring, then hug him.

I know I've made a big deal about this ring. And yes, I stare at it probably 100 times a day. But what I'm really truly happy about is knowing that I am really going to marry and spend the rest of my life with the most perfect guy in the world. Someone who loves me and takes care of me. Someone who makes me laugh like an idiot and holds me until I stop crying. I could never imagine my life with anyone other than him. I really am the luckiest girl in the world. And I know life will have its hard times, but I also know that we'll make it through them together. I grow more and more in love with him every day, and our relationship grows stronger with each passing minute. I can't wait until a year and a month from now when I can say "I do".

I love you baby. Thank you so much for making my life and my heart complete.

Pain.

“Pain is such an uncomfortable feeling that even a tiny amount of it is enough to ruin every enjoyment.”
- Will Rogers


Pain.
1. physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc.
2. a distressing sensation, in a particular part of the body: a back pain




I hate complaining. So hopefully there won't be too many more blogs like this. I had my appointment about my back yesterday. Needless to say, it was a waste of time and $50. 


So after I told the doctor where it hurt, how much it hurt, and all the things I've done to try to alleviate the pain, he told me I'm going to be in pain forever, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. He went on to explain that my type of scoliosis is lumbar scoliosis, which for some unfair reason is the most painful. My curvature is at 30 degrees, and they won't consider surgery until 40 or 45 degrees. And since my curve hasn't progressed in a year, it probably won't continue. So my back is just bad enough to be causing me serious pain every day, but not bad enough to fix it. And it will never be bad enough to fix. He said the cause of my pain is just my muscles getting sore from having to compensate for my crooked spine. Yes, I know that. I've seen many doctors who all say the same thing, and I've kind of been the one feeling this pain for 6 years. He said the only thing I can do is strengthen my muscles by exercising regularly and going to physical therapy. That way, it'll take longer before they get worn out and ache. Ok, first of all, I have back pain EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. I am never without pain. So either, my muscles never calm down, or it's more than just normal muscle ache. And second of all, it's not just my muscles. Yes, they hurt and that is the main reason why I seek help, but I want to be fixed for more than that. Not only do I have the pain, but I can also feel my crooked back. I constantly feel like I need to pop my back. Like there's some thing weird putting pressure on my back. Not my muscles. My spine. Though it's not painful, it's annoying. And having to deal with that annoying feeling along with my muscle pain is just wearing away at my mental state. But I guess I have to just get over it because it will never go away for the rest of my life.


He said no doctor would suggest surgery. But, shouldn't that be my decision if I want to have it? You say there's no way to fix my problem, but really there is. Surgery. Straighten my spine. Yes, the doctors say that the risks outweigh the problem. But if I'm willing to do that, shouldn't I be allowed to? I feel like the doctor just judges me from the moment he sees me. I'm just some overweight girl who has scoliosis, but is too lazy to do anything about it. When that is so far from the truth. I like being active. I long to be more active. But I can't. I physically can't. Just walking around campus makes me want to cry because I'm in so much pain. How am I supposed to strengthen my muscles? Power through the pain. Bawl like a baby at the gym?


Ok, doctor. I'll do your stupid physical therapy. Again. I'll attempt to exercise. Again. I'll have no change to my pain. Again. And I will be miserable forever. 


Will I be able to handle being a photographer? Lugging around all that equipment, being on my feet all day. Kneeling, crouching, bending in weird positions just to get the right shot. How much will I be able to take before I finally crack?


I started crying last night as I was going to bed. I started thinking of my wedding day. How I'm going to be on my feet basically all day. In heels. And how much pain I'm going to be in. On the happiest day of my life, I won't be fully happy because I will be in so much pain. 

Rant time!

Look, you're not dating. Yes, you're still head over heels in love with him. But you know he's never going to want to be more than friends. Ever. Period. Get over it. You say you need to, but you're not willing to. All your friends tell you to, but you refuse. Now let me make this nice and clear

IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE TO CONTROL WHO HE IS FRIENDS WITH OR WHO HE WANTS TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR.


You have absolutely no right to yell at him and get in giant arguments any time he doesn't do what you want him to. If he doesn't feel like texting you, calling you, hanging out with you, etc., then he doesn't have to. If he wants to talk to a girl, if he wants to make a new friend that's a girl, if he wants to attempt a new relationship, then he can. You are his FRIEND. And only his friend. Nothing more. I don't care how close of friends the two of you are, you cannot control him. Feel free to be upset that he's moving on an you're not. But just keep it to yourself. Or cry to your other friends. Other people want to have more prominent roles in your life, but you just won't let them. He should never have to feel guilty for having feelings for someone. If you really, truly loved him like you say you do, you would be happy for him because he has finally found someone that could very well be the perfect girl for him. You should let him live his life in the way that is best for him, not you. He deserves the best. He has made it very clear that you are not the right girl for him. So stop keeping him from opportunities that could lead to the right girl.

Now don't think that I just think you're an awful person. We've tried telling you that you need to move on. What you're doing now is not moving on. You actually need this even more than he does. He is going to leave you some day soon. He will graduate, move on with his life, and you'll be left here alone. I tried telling you before that you need to take this time to re-strengthen your other friendships, so that when he does leave, you have someone to fall back on. So please, for both of you, let him go.

Now back to tough love.
If you ruin this weekend for us, you'll be hearing from me. My BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD is coming to visit me, which rarely happens. She wants to see him, and he wants to see her. If you keep that from happening, there will be hell. Believe me. He is allowed to have friends. He is allowed to hang out with them with the rest of the group there too when they come to town. So just let it happen, or all of your friends will certainly be pissed at you.